It’s been a weird few weeks for me. Struggling with ridiculous upper respiratory problems. My throat is itching, I have sore sinuses which I’m sure is now sinusitis, I have an itching throat and now my ears, deep, down are itchy and painful. I’m sure it’s hay fever but none the less, I feel below par and it’s a catalyst for me to feel out of tune with a world I barely feel I have the instruments for. It’s time to be watchful, it’s time to be honest about any behaviours so that I don’t suddenly find myself in a predicament I cannot manage without causing a whole heap of damage.
I have withdrawn from cover work because I just feel exhausted and additional exercise has left me really fatigued on my days off. It’s been annoying.
But it’s how this affects my mood which is worrying. There is a distinct connection with illness, fatigue and mental health and I’m feeling fairly blue if I’m honest. I have zero patience, irritability, no motivation and a need to be out of the company of others more so than usual (which must be bad considering how much I really don’t like socialising).
It’s a funny life. I sit and moan about this and really I feel very ungrateful because a family relative is consumed with cancer at the minute and in his last weeks, maybe days on this earth. It puts things into perspective somewhat but I know this is also pulling at my heart strings. It’s that knowing that we all die and the empathy I feel for his plight and what he must be thinking facing his own end of this life that’s really sad. He says he is frightened and that’s the ultimate fear we have as humans. Just like birth, this is something we can only do alone. It’s so big my heart and mind can’t handle it and it seems such a terrible waste and such an impending loss to everyone who loves him. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, there is so much sadness in all things living because of this deep rooted knowing that everything must die. It’s never lost on me and sometimes I often wonder if that’s the true crux of why I have felt pain all of my life. I was conscious of this from such an early age, way before death was ever explained to me, I just ‘knew.’
This is an experience that we all have to go through, loss. It’s not exclusive, it’s ubiquitous. In watching someone else endure illness we cannot but turn the attention to our own lives. What have we accomplished? What do we regrets if anything? What have we still not done? Are we trapped in our jobs, relationships, locations, material possessions that we cannot let go, cut loose and fulfill those dreams? It’s massive.
We spend so much time acquiring things that we get stuck. Because material possessions and maintaining this kind of Western lifestyle which has become so opulent often means working ridiculous hours day in day out with no time to really see the world. There is no time for adventure bar the 4 weeks holiday most have per 365 days. We’ve eradicated our ability to experience by choosing possessions over creating memories of experiences had. So many of us get stuck in a rut and just settle but have this terrible feeling of ‘missing’ or ‘lack.’ And it’s only when we hear of someone’s passing do we vow that life is for living, we only live once. In those moments we are so steadfast in our convictions to fulfil our dreams. And then the months pass, the conviction fades and we go back to the rut, ruminating on how we can change our lives and liberate our souls from the endless, relentless, daily grind of the same shit, different day.
What is it you want to do with your life? Me? I just want to get off and get travelling. I also desperately want to live in London. Just like with the snot and sneezing suffocating my respiratory system, through writing this post and thrashing it out, I realise my soul is suffocating too. And that’s an overwhelming feeling indeed.